Valentine’s Day is *literally* one day of the year. Moving on.

This is the second draft of this post, purely because I bored even myself writing about how annoying I find those loved-up couples that will be humble bragging on social media on Valentine’s Day and yes how I’m single for the umpteenth year in a row.

I keep saying I hate Valentine’s Day but I just hate the fact that for one day a limelight is cast on those who are single and alone (even though not *actually* alone) and couples who should buy all the gifts and show off. Chill.

I mean in total honesty, I moan all the time about being single. But then *lightbulb* when I finally started dating I realised just how much time it takes up (it really does have the potential to be a full-time hobby) and how I like being able to do what I want when I want without having to think about anyone else. Selfish but meh I’ve got ages yet. Right..?

And I know you’re thinking that sounds like the typical single person answer, but when you spend a lot of time on online dating sites, as so many of us out there are doing (currently not as you will see below), you start to see the same old mugs with the same weird approach to what they think is acceptable to say to a woman.

So since I only had my first ever proper date last November and made a complete fool of myself (one glass of wine minimum from now on ahem) I thought it would be fun to share what happens before Valentine’s Day and, well, the whole year round really.

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Why are you single?

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This is just one of many, many messages I’ve received that says I should have no problem whatsover finding a guy. Why is that? Why do other people think that? Looks don’t mean anything when you find that confidence to actually approach someone you like and start a conversation. It’s hard, so screw you dang_1992.

Copy-and-paste

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I got this the first time, chuckled, looked at the guy, his age and wasn’t interested. Then he sent it again and actually a third time which I don’t have a screengrab of. But surely there are not men out there that are dumb enough to just copy-and-paste pick-up lines. Who am I kidding yes there are.

This also applies to sending me multiple messages saying the same thing in a different way. I can barely understand what you are saying Warrz due to the ridiculous nature of your shortcuts and abbreviations, why is “ure” easier to write than “you’re”?

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So inappropriate I don’t even know where to begin

nude dating blurDo you know what I swiped a guy on Tinder that was good looking in his 30s and liked lift selfies just like me. My first mistake. He asked for my number quite quickly, but who agrees with me with how annoying it is to constantly reply back within apps, so I gave him it. Second mistake.

He started off innocently enough asking how my day was, fair enough. Then without so much as a warning sent me the above. I did NOT ask for this stupidly inappropriate Chris, 31, from Manchester. Thank you for the block feature WhatsApp. I hope he lost my number.

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Ew. Ew. EW. I’m aware that you are entering a realm of guys who feel the need to open with a sex proposition on online dating apps, but these are just wrong and only a very small cross section of what I have received in my POF inbox in the past.

There’s way worse. I’m worried for RossyC_92 though, each to their own, but slugs?

The worst type of human

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Some of you may already have seen this as I posted it last week on my Instagram. As one of my friends said, this is an example of “another of the mummy’s that don’t teach their precious sons about rejection”. I don’t want to place all the blame on parents raising their children right, because somewhere along the way their perfectly nice son or daughter suddenly decided this was ok to say.

It’s hard getting rejected, I have been there so, so many times. But honestly what I don’t understand about this childish behaviour is that he said “no worries if you’re not interested”, I said I wasn’t and still gave him a perfectly valid reason as to why and he childishly responded.

You can see more treats like that if you follow ByeFelipe on Instagram, where there is a collection of responses from guys who turn hostile when rejected.

allergic to jerks

There have been times in this past year that I have cried, my friends have cried and guys have probably cried over my bitchiness too. These people are sent to test us and to make us learn and move on.

I used to really f*cking hate it when people say there are more fish in the sea because what no way there is not at all. Where is this sea you speak of because I really haven’t found it and this was absolutely me last February.

But I am five dates wiser, one year older and have friends who will always be there to tell me I am worth being picky.

text me every 30 seconds

Wait, what’s that you’re single on Valentine’s Day? Again?

Yes, yes that’s right. Single on Valentine’s Day. Again.

I think I’m doing pretty well for myself if I’m honest, I can’t believe how much money I’ve saved over the years while all you other suckers out there are forking out cash to buy presents for your loved ones. BIG FAT HA. And special mention goes to those clever enough to head down to Poundland.

I’ve been inundated this past two weeks with absolute crap about Valentine’s Day. And I cannot escape it.

Check my emails and I get this (Side note: I can not tell you enough how much I detest emojis in an email subject line):

valentines emails

I’m like:

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Go on Facebook and I get this:

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I’m like:

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Go on Google I get this:

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Cheers Google. I can create the imaginary chocolate that I will not receive.

Have a shifty on Twitter and come across several Buzzfeed lists, 24 Things Single People Are Tired Of Hearing, Why Are You Single, What Type Of Relationship Should You Be In?What It’s Like Been Single On Valentine’s Day. *WAIL*

But then this result makes me slightly more upbeat because screw you all. I’m TOO perfect. That’s why I’m single. HA *sidles away weeping*

Screen Shot 2014-02-13 at 21.05.56But then I can’t possibly forget this joyous link that a friend sent me. TIME so lovingly made up some stupid algorithm that can tell you when you should be married by using your Facebook friends. They even SAY OUT LOUD:

“Given that envy and loneliness are Valentine’s Day’s two chief exports, TIME presents an app that analyzes your Facebook feed to see exactly when your friends are tying the knot—and when it might be time for you to take the plunge.”

You can see where this is going. A wedding popped up in my timeline just last week…

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I’m like:

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Not to worry though, because I shall turn to ye ol’ faithful Valentine’s Day classic tear-jerker the film I base my imaginary non-existent love life on which is probably why I don’t have a love life BECAUSE NOAH DOES NOT EXIST EVER, The Notebook.

Oh but wait, thanks Glamour magazine for pointing me in the direction of this video:

MY SOUL IS DESTROYED.

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But alas I shall end in honour of single sister solidarity and all that sparkly shit as this article sums up basically the past 10 years of my life. And it is FUNNY.

Extra tips to survive Valentine’s Day:

1. Avoid all public places.
2. Do not wear red.
3. For the love of god, do not, under any circumstances, purchase a meal for one. You’re just asking for it.
4. Ignore all those well intentioned messages of support from your coupled up friends. You don’t know!
5. Stay away from Facebook. Too. Many. Engagement. Announcements.

engaged gun