Yes, yes that’s right. Single on Valentine’s Day. Again.
I think I’m doing pretty well for myself if I’m honest, I can’t believe how much money I’ve saved over the years while all you other suckers out there are forking out cash to buy presents for your loved ones. BIG FAT HA. And special mention goes to those clever enough to head down to Poundland.
I’ve been inundated this past two weeks with absolute crap about Valentine’s Day. And I cannot escape it.
Check my emails and I get this (Side note: I can not tell you enough how much I detest emojis in an email subject line):
Go on Facebook and I get this:
Go on Google I get this:
Cheers Google. I can create the imaginary chocolate that I will not receive.
Have a shifty on Twitter and come across several Buzzfeed lists, 24 Things Single People Are Tired Of Hearing, Why Are You Single, What Type Of Relationship Should You Be In?, What It’s Like Been Single On Valentine’s Day. *WAIL*
But then this result makes me slightly more upbeat because screw you all. I’m TOO perfect. That’s why I’m single. HA *sidles away weeping*
But then I can’t possibly forget this joyous link that a friend sent me. TIME so lovingly made up some stupid algorithm that can tell you when you should be married by using your Facebook friends. They even SAY OUT LOUD:
“Given that envy and loneliness are Valentine’s Day’s two chief exports, TIME presents an app that analyzes your Facebook feed to see exactly when your friends are tying the knot—and when it might be time for you to take the plunge.”
You can see where this is going. A wedding popped up in my timeline just last week…
Not to worry though, because I shall turn to ye ol’ faithful Valentine’s Day classic tear-jerker the film I base my imaginary non-existent love life on which is probably why I don’t have a love life BECAUSE NOAH DOES NOT EXIST EVER, The Notebook.
Oh but wait, thanks Glamour magazine for pointing me in the direction of this video:
MY SOUL IS DESTROYED.
But alas I shall end in honour of single sister solidarity and all that sparkly shit as this article sums up basically the past 10 years of my life. And it is FUNNY.
Extra tips to survive Valentine’s Day:
1. Avoid all public places.
2. Do not wear red.
3. For the love of god, do not, under any circumstances, purchase a meal for one. You’re just asking for it.
4. Ignore all those well intentioned messages of support from your coupled up friends. You don’t know!
5. Stay away from Facebook. Too. Many. Engagement. Announcements.